I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
