Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
