I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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