Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
