I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
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