Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
