Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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