Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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