shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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