dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
But theres a keg here and me gusta
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize