did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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