i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Is Oprah even human
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
