She is in my trunk
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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