I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
