Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
