I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
