Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Randomize
