if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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