Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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