i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
