Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
