He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
