Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
