one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
