dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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