don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
