I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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