Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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