I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
