You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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