he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize