your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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