well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I'm passing your future prison.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
