.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
