i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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