No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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