I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
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