what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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