I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
You're like the curious george of whores
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
How does one acquire holy water?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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