I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
