I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
