I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
i drank out of a bidet.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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