We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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