I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Randomize
