he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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