I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize