Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
