That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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