I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
