Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
we're making bets on your personal life
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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