but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
