Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
My ass is underappreciated
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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