Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i dont even know how to be here
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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