You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
