I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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