My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
