Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
