my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
