Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
