boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Every concussion has its silver lining
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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