One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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