my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
