im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
